I’m lying in bed feeling sad and feeling silly about feeling sad, so i decided to put it on (virtual) paper and be done with it. This is ridiculous but I cried to Dane tonight about our boys growing up. This is exactly what I want them to do, grow up, but it’s kind of breaking my heart as it happens. I’ve been really sad that I’m “officially” done with nursing. To know it’s final and I can’t turn back just makes me sad. It’s something that I loved to do with/for Isaac and it was our thing and now it’s gone. I planned it this way. I was ready for it in many ways, Isaac has been perfectly fine with it, but it still makes me sad. And Boston is getting so big and acting so old and saying such big boy things that I just want to cry because he is most definitely nothing close to a baby anymore. I’ve loved every stage so much that no matter how ready (on one hand) I am to move upward and onward, there’s always a part of me that feels a loss knowing that I’ll never be at that point with that child ever again.
I often wonder if I’m embracing my moments with my Littles enough. Take more pictures? Take less pictures, and live more in the moment? Haven’t figured this one out yet (in fact I’m erring on the side of taking too many pictures). I think the only real solution I have is to just be grateful. Plain and simple. Be grateful that I have these boys to love so much it hurts. Be grateful that I get to watch them grow up. Be grateful that I got to be apart of their beginnings and their firsts.
Just be grateful. And I am.